Don't Read This Non-Review For 'Fantastic Four'

Fantastic Four is a terrible movie (we assume). The movie is so terrible even this article about it is garbage....
THE FANTASTIC FOUR

There doesn’t seem to be a single human being, including those involved with it, looking forward to the release of Fantastic Four. Nobody cares, including the studio. The movie comes out Friday but screenings have been delayed until the day before, usually a sign a studio doesn’t want the bad news to spread too quickly.

Lacking the ability to actually see this piece of garbage, let’s review it anyway. But since we haven’t seen it, let’s call it a pre-review.

In the Netflix season of Arrested Development, a running gag about Fantastic Four is inserted about how the studio behind it made a movie just to keep the rights. It’s not far from the truth because it really happened and its being released on Friday.

There was no need to rehash another Fantastic movie. Nobody was looking for it. The studio, FOX, only has this and X-Men to play with and they’re running out of things to have Wolverine do.

Chris Evans was the guy… who does the fire stuff, in the last one. Why are we doing this again?

From all accounts, nobody involved in this movie has interest in talking about it. The cast, who made money for being in the movie, were plopped into MTV’s Movie Awards earlier this year to promote this thing and even then, months away from released, they seemed apologetic for being there.

The Fantastic Four were the original Marvel heroes. If we’re being nice, we could assume some studio exec cared about bringing Stan Lee’s characters to screen with the right portrayal. But seriously, that’s not the case.

Even this article is terrible because the subject matter isn’t interesting. It’s not even fun or entertaining to tear this movie apart because its so terrible.

Don’t see this movie and, to be safe, avoid the adjacent theaters to ensure you don’t hear drivel dialogue within earshot.

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Movies

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