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Hoverboards Are Dumb

First, they're not even really hoverboards. Second, you basically need to be a douchebag to use one....

I’m sitting at my desk in my office when an adult human floats past me at high speed. This is not the fun future Doc Brown promised with pink skateboards sans wheels. This is the real 2015 where two-wheeled horizontal boards spit out neon lights as they fly by carrying douchebags.

For what it’s worth, in some office environments and situations these can be fun, useful gadgets. And I love gadgets. But when I saw someone north of Columbus Circle cruising up Broadway on one of these, I realized that the technology was being used by a new segment of consumer: the techy doughbag.

It all started around the time Google Glass became available for consumers. Stories of douchebags with electric eyewear using the tech for perversion or eye-rolling endeavors became a mainstay on tech blogs. Some guy staring at a girl’s ass turned into photographs and bars began banning them.

Next up were selfie sticks. Huge, rude rods jettisoned in the air attached to the arm of a douchebag at a music festival of other heavily crowded affair. This isn’t getting a photo of yourself with the Grand Canyon in the background, this is getting a selfie with you and a dozen people giving you a dirty look.

As someone who reviews gadgets regularly, I’m careful not to enter this segment of tech douchbaggery. The standard by which I judge that is simple — my cool gadget shouldn’t get in the way of, interfere or annoy or make people around me uncomfortable. Put down the stick, take off the eyewear and get off the skateboard designed by people who idolize Fast & Furious movies.

When I was offered a board to review I politely declined favoring instead my own two feet.

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Culture

Pop culture geek, tech enthusiast, co-host of the Pop Center Podcast and on-air personality on SiriusXM.
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